I’ve been out and about in the single mom dating world for over a year now. I’ve had ups, downs and the spins! Here are a few of the tips I feel compelled to pass on.
And make sure you check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.
- Date him – ONLY – if you are truly happier. Remember you and your child/ren can be completely content and happy without a man in your life. If a man wants in – he has to earn it.
- Watch for red flags: lack of goals, laziness, fakeness, cockiness, selfishness or the inability to make you laugh. Everyone has their own set of red flags. Listen to yours.
- Learn to differentiate between red flags and that nice little “push him away” reflex you’ve developed now that you have a child. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Learn to recognize when you are starting to test him. I’ve noticed recently that part of me is wired now to test the men I’m dating. I set them up with baited questions and they either pass or they fail. The test comes in handy but is sometimes unnecessary.
- Don’t freak him out. Give him his own space to figure out your reality. Make sure he knows you understand this is a lot for him to take in. If he says, “oh, it’s no big deal, a baby can’t be that bad.” Just count to ten and smile. Let the little things go, the big things will follow in their own time.
- He will not instantly understand your life or be able to empathize with your situation. That would be impossible. Be rational about it and watch for signs of him trying to understand. Is he really watching? Is he really listening?
- If he’s not calling you frequently or not making future dates – ditch him immediately. You don’t have time for rif raf.
- Try to resist putting a time line on anything. For ex: “I’ll give him two more months to change.” Not a good idea. People grow and change on their own terms and on their own time. You don’t know his pace, and he doesn’t know yours. Just watch for little signs of improvement on his goals and your goals as a couple.
- Men are the same. We have just changed. Sometimes this one hits me like a slap in the face. They’re still completely able to fall madly in love with you, commit to you or they’re able to hurt you without even knowing it.
- It will get easier. I’ve been a single dating mom for 15 months. Each round gets easier. Each one gets better. As long as you’re making improvements on choosing men, that’s progress! And it will get easier to quickly spot the frogs from the princes.
- Keep yourself out there. Don’t try once or twice and give up. You are shopping. Don’t tell me you would never go shoe shopping again if you bought a few uncomfortable pairs.
Like I said to the man in my life last night, “Benjamin and I have a pretty good life here and anyone who wants to crash the party has to be up to snuff.” His answer, “I completely understand.” He doesn’t really understand but he is trying. Definitely a good sign.
Good luck single mamas! This stuff isn’t easy.
Want more? Check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.
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Filed under: Breaking up, Dating tips (for the single mama), Falling in Love, Uncategorized | Tagged: Ahh...love, dating tips, sex, single mom, Single mom dating
You’ve recognized one of the conundrums for single moms who are dating – we often don’t have the time to “give” as much as single women without children. It’s why when you do find the “right” man for you and your children it should be effortless. As effortless as possible. Dating with a child is one of the most stressful things a woman can take on. So it’s why I find that the “good ones” are willing to give a bit more than they receive. Making our lives easier, not harder. I guess I’m an old-fashioned girl at heart. And with that point, we will just have to agree to disagree and wait and see about those cats. : )
yep, that’s the way it going to have to be – wait and see. Good luck though! I actually do have an idea of how hard it is.
[...] amazing thing, an obstacle to casually dating men who don’t care about you, but you’ll scare off the good ones if you make it sound like a bad [...]
Yep, either he picks up the garbage cans blown over in your drive, or he doesn’t.
Then when he does, either he drops you off at the door when it’s pouring, or he doesn’t.
Then when he does, either he loves you or he doesn’t.
And how could he, when you never even gave him the chance to know you?
So many tests we have, us single moms. Damn, life was easier back in the day, and not just cause part of the tuition budget was beer money.
[...] With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out your own dating tips here. [...]
Reading this it has some good information and some bad information in my opinion. First, you’ve got a contradiction: “give him his own space” yet “if he’s not calling you frequently…ditch him.” Wow, which is it?
As a single father I understand just how hard it is to date with children, and even single men understand that not all of your time is your own, but you also have to understand that choosing to date a single mom is a large commitment for us as well. It’s not just about you. We’re signing up for something larger than regular dating as well. So, if we’re not calling, we may be evaluating our commitment or maybe we need to take a breath. You write as if you’re on some kind of timeline, even though you say don’t create one. Day in and out, you might not have enough hours to devote to dating, but if I need a few days to think about things or to make sure that I’m doing what’s good for both of us, don’t I deserve that as well? This evaluation doesn’t make me riff raff, it makes me responsible knowing that more than just our feelings are at stake.
Also, men are not the same, and neither is love. We’re snowflakes (not just flakes). We’re all different, handle things differently, think differently, so how we handle our relationship won’t be the same as how the last guy you were with handled it.
And, in your evaluation of me, it’s much better if you are direct. I understand that I’m being interviewed for more than just a boyfriend position. These little tests you create secretly suck and make me feel untrusted and belittled. If you want respect, give it and tell me what you’re thinking, what doubts you have about me. Give me the chance to be honest and fair instead of setting me up for a pop quiz where I may not be looking and fail by default.
But, do keep yourself out there. Someone’s going to love you unconditionally if they can see enough of who you truly are.
And it will get easier as you realize what it is you’re really looking for, and how to screen out those of us you’re not looking for before you get too far down the road.
I think you’re absolutely right, Not From Mars. You raise some really good points…I guess it would sound like I’m contradicting myself a bit. But, what I mean by give him his own space – is give him his on mental space to take in your reality. To not overwhelm him at the beginning. And to not expect too much of him at the beginning. Mental head space in my mind is different from a man who just isn’t calling often or making future dates. These men are a bit worrisome because I tend to doubt their intentions. As a single mother, with full custody of my son, I don’t have time for men who aren’t “chasing” me. I don’t like to be chasing someone, it stresses me out and I just don’t have the mental energy or time for it. I don’t know a single mother who does. And yes, all men are different. Sorry to sound a bit belittling with this post – just trying to make some short, brief and valid points. Could probably write a novel on each one of them! Thanks for your comment.
[...] another tip for dating single moms, don’t kiss the guy in front of your little ones. Well, not when they’re at such an [...]
[...] bottom line – while you’re a dating single mom – be patient, have fun, and then enjoy your prince…he’s on his way. Don’t worry. [...]
I agree with you on the point on that the “good ones” are willing to give a bit more than they receive. Maybe I am wrong, as it is from a guy’s point of view, it is especially important for a guy to be extra patient if he is dating a single mom. He will have to understand that the she might have been through a bad relationship in the past and not to be too impatient in getting her to commit. Give her the extra allowance and patience. Be concerned not only to her but also to her kid(s).
Yep. Definitely BK – well said!
Interesting…that only one woman has responded to this post – and it’s one of the most popular entries on my blog. Ladies??? What do you think?
[...] Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2 Posted on February 16, 2008 by mssinglemama Some more tips in addition to my first post: Single Mom Dating Tips [...]
[...] Dating advice for single moms and for the men who fall in love with us. [...]
[...] Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 1 [...]
[...] But, she’s created a life for her and her little ones and letting anyone in could be risky. If you want in, you’ve got to be patient, understanding and respectful.You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m hoping these tips will help you out. But first, let me preface it with this…One guy dating my best single mom friend, Abby, told me, “someone needs to write a book about dating a single mom.” I shook my head, “no, someone needs to write a book about dating Abby.” With or without her daughter, Abby is Abby and she’s a firecracker.My point. Yes, we are single moms. But kids or no kids, we are still the same people. We still have the same communication issues, the same baggage, the same heart aches, the same dreams, the same goals, the same desires.With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out your own dating tips here. [...]
[...] in the tough moments. These, after all, are the moments when we need someone the most. They should make your life easier, not [...]