My best friend has a theory - that men can not be truly empathetic. And for the men reading this, here’s the definition:
Empathy: one’s ability to recognize, perceive and feel the emotions of another; often characterized as the ability to “put oneself into another’s shoes”.
Take this scenario as a case in point. No hard feelings toward the male subject in this story, after all, he is a man and this is apparently a trait they can’t help. Just read this study.
Tonight, while in his sweet bath, Benjamin knocked his tooth into the side of the tub. All I hear is - CRACK! - his front capped tooth had just split again. The first time, this winter, he had fallen outside and it was a bloody mess. My boyfriend Kris was on the phone two seconds later calling a dentist friend - who capped it the next day. He had saved the day! And even accompanied us to the dentist’s office. Quite a feat for anyone dating a single mom. This time - the tooth has shattered into three pieces that are somehow sticking together. Benjamin is calm during the bath and all is well. But as soon as we get out. He notices. He takes his little, itty bitty fingers and starts pushing his broken tooth around. He can’t even eat his yogurt snack.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces as I look at my sweet, sweet little guy and imagine the damn pain he’s going to have to feel tomorrow when they have to cap it again.
Tell this story to any woman and you’re bound to get a reaction filled with gasps and lots and lots of questions. All followed by words of comfort like, “don’t worry, everything will be fine,” “is there anything I can do?”, “I’m so sorry this happened.”
Tell it to a man… (in my case, Kris) - and you’re likely to get this.
“I don’t know what to tell you.” And that’s about it. I was interupting him…he was deep in study land. And this little emergency was definitely not in his plans (I’ve also heard men can’t multi-task very well).
Next I call my girlfriends to fill the comfort void and also want to test this that men have no empathy theory. Here are their reactions:
Girlfriend #1: “WHAT??!!! How did it happen? Is he okay?” She goes on to tell me it’s a lucky thing it happened now, and not next week when I’ll be out of town on a work trip (my first four days away from him since he’s been born). Plenty of empathy.
Gilfriend #2: “Do you need me?” She says it only seconds after I tell her what’s happened. Once again…empathy.
One of these friends, Mia, says if I find a man who can truly comfort me in these situations that she’ll be jealous as hell. She swears she’s had “this conversation up and down, a million times, with all of the women in her life and they all come up with one conclusion: that women should NOT expect empathy from a man - because it’s just not possible.” And, by the way, she’s in a very happy relationship.
But shouldn’t we expect empathy? Do we even have a choice? This report says we don’t. In fact it says that men definitely have a lower capacity for empathy than women.
Looking back on all of my failed relationships - a lack of empathy is on the top of my “why it ended” list. Should I re-adjust the way I think or what I expect? Maybe I should just run out and buy “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Jeez. I know Kris cares about Benjamin and I. So the question is - can I compromise my empathy standards?
What do you think? Please tell me this theory is not true!
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Filed under: Dating, sex and love, For the men, Striking thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged: single mom, sex, family, Divorce, relationships, single mother, love, do men feel empathy
I want to say you are stereotyping here but then I won’t. Truth is a lot of men won’t be showing too much empathy. Maybe it is due to the fact, if we do show empathy we get labelled as not being one of the guys.
It comes down to social conditioning and only those who are comfortable with themselves as to who they are will be able to show the empathy you are searching for.
Interesting blog by the way.
I don’t know that it’s a lack of empathy as much as it is their need to solve a problem. Hence the ‘I don’t know what to tell you’ response. There wasn’t a way for him to solve it so while he might empathize with the child’s pain and inconvenience this caused, I think they express emotions completely differently than we do. I bet if you talked about a situation where someone got kicked in the balls he’d show a lot more empathy in his reaction!
Now if only I had figured all this out before my husband bailed! lol
I like to think that there are men out there who empathise and I’m deluded enough to hope that I’m one of them.
It might be more to do with reactions. Often when a women talks to a man she just wants him to listen whereas the man’s instinct is to try and solve the problem. In the case described above there wasn’t much a guy could do. There was nothing for him to solve. That might be part of the problem?
Usman - thanks! Glad you think it’s interesting and thanks for not saying I’m stereotyping - hence the study I cited.
Jennifer and Red Wine Gums - you’re right - no problem to solve. So I just have to add it to my list of things I “understand” and “accept” about men. I wonder what their’s is for us???
I won’t say you’re stereotyping either, but I think you’re coming pretty darn close when you say that lack of empathy is something you just have to accept about men. Meaning, you’re painting with a very broad brush and at risk of painting members of the male sex who do not deserve to be included in your “no-empathy” group.
I’d submit that the apparent lack of empathy from a man (as perceived by a woman) is not so much an actual lack as it is something that is differently expressed. Most women like to express empathy in very explicit terms, as you’ve said: “What do you need me to do?”, “Better that this happens now than when you’re away…”, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry!”, etc. Indeed, empathy can be considered a passive emotive expressive that many women (though not all) mastered while growing up.
Most men, as some commenters above have suggested, show their empathy implicitly by wanting to solve the problem. I can definitely see a man jumping in because he remembers what it was like to be in a particular situation and feels compelled to do something if he can. If there’s no problem to solve, however, it doesn’t mean the man doesn’t somehow understand the emotion involved; there’s just no means by which to express it in an active way.
So, simply because someone doesn’t express something like empathy in a way you recognize, do not be so quick to say they haven’t the capacity to express it at all. Back in the day, men used to think that women didn’t have the capacity to feel sexual pleasure, but were very willing to treat them for “hysteria” with primitive vibrators. It wasn’t until much, much later that doctors finally understood that women’s physical paroxysms from such treatment were actually manifestations of sexual pleasure.
Indeed, I’d be willing to suggest that the men who don’t show empathy in a way women understand are men who have never been much encouraged to develop their yin aspect. Men who do have a highly developed yin (yes, they exist) are often labelled “gay” or at best “metrosexual.” In many ways, I do think it’s a lot easier for a woman to have a highly developed yang aspect than it is for a man to have a highly developed yin. Women who leap into action to solve problems are, at worst, paid well at their jobs. Men who visibly empathize with others are, at worst, hunted down and tormented by their male peers.
Not sure we should be comparing lists of that nature
Broad brush strokes. Men have an ability to put something in the brain and leave it there until it needs attention. Women can’t help but think about an issue such as you describe. There are differences to be sure but it doesn’t mean lack of emapthy.
I know you want your man to recognize when something is important to you without your prodding but sometimes we need it. There are times a man needs to be left to his cave as well
I hate to admit it, but I’ve definitely faked empathy before. I’ve said things like, “Oh no! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?” etc., when I’m really thinking, “I have no idea what the hell to tell you or do for you, so please don’t drag me into this any further!”
For the most part, I’m empathetic, but there are plenty of times where I haven’t been. I think there is some bit of physiological difference between men and women when it comes to empathy, but I also believe a lot of it comes down to social conditioning (like Usman Sheikh mentioned above). Basically, men can’t always show much empathy, and women can easily fake it.
So…maybe men just need to “fake it” more. Because, as you say…Lauren, we women - do fake it often. But we are also better listeners I think. Our capacity to listen to another woman’s problem or issue is much stronger than a man’s.
Jenny - you’re absolutely right about the double-standards on the Yin and the Yang! Nice points…
Red Wine - yep… we love to think about everything… a lot!
I just ended a relationship with a man who was amazingly empathetic. Probably the nicest guy I have ever known. You wonder why it ended??? Too nice, too passive aggressive, too accommodating, with neither a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of and a sketchy financial future. My conclusion at 41 years old with 4 children, married once and widowed once (& throw a couple long term serious love relationships in between). Every man is different and where one might be more of one thing, he will be less of another. There is no such thing as perfection. It is about our value system and what we can live with or live without. If I really want empathy, I can go to a girlfriend or my mother.
Evolutionarily, men were meant to defend their land, family and to make war. They are still hardwired to be that way. You can’t kill an enemy if you feel empathy for them.
They just need to evolve…LOL
So, by saying “men just need to fake it more”, are you saying you want men to lie to you so you can feel better? Or, are you saying that you want a man to go through the motions (a la Dexter the Righteous Serial Killer) because it shows you he cares about you in a way you understand?
Also, I don’t agree that women are stronger (or more willing) listeners than men. There are a lot of women who don’t hear anything anyone says if it doesn’t come out of their own mouths, and there are plenty of men who can teach classes to women on being better listeners. My previous boss was such a woman and my partner (5 years and counting) is such a man.
Lisa - that’s funny you bring that up - because it’s just what the report I cited states - that if men had more empathy it might actually impede their ability to dominate, cause pain and therefore rise to power. Very interesting…us women have to be more empathetic because we’re mothers.
Jenny - yes, I think - given their apparant weakness they should try a little harder.
Loved this post, and I hope Benjamin is okay.
Like you, lack of empathy is one of my deal-breakers, too.
In my recent, uh, situation, the Biologist truly showed empathy after poisoning me… I mean, after our hike, during which I got a terrible case of poison oak. He has shown that he’s truly concerned, and this means a whole lot.
Nice Single Mom Seeking! So glad to hear he’s so understanding because that post you wrote was off the hook! Nice catch!
You might want to consider that empathy is expressed in different ways. One way is the way you describe-showing visible and verbal emotional concern and exhibiting emotions analogous to the person one is feeling empathy for (being upset because the other person is upset). This is a form of empathy that is easy to recognize as such. After all, they are “feeling your pain” and showing it clearly.
Another way to be empathetic is to act in ways that show concern and understanding that do not involve such visible emotional displays. For example, understanding that a person is upset at a crisis (a smashed tooth), and taking action to help the person.
I’ve often been told that we men always want to fix problems and don’t want to talk about how we feel. That seems generally true. But this doesn’t indicate that we do not have empathy. I know, in my own case, that I do have empathy. But I express that empathy primarily by trying to set things right. For example, if a friend’s cat is lost outside in a rain storm and she is upset and afraid for her beloved pet, I don’t talk about how that makes me feel-I go out in the woods to find the cat. This is because, as a person who has pets, I know exactly how I’d feel (having been out in a storm or two to rescue my own pets).
I do understand the need for verbal and emotional reassurance, but what a person does says a great deal about what he or she feels. Even if he or she doesn’t say much about it.
I agree with Jenny that a lot of men show their empathy through action - trying to solve the problem - whereas women show it by communing, commiserating, talking about feelings. Not true for every guy, though - a buddy of mine grew up with 4 sisters, and he is more prone to show empathy by talking, saying things like your girlfriends did when they asked, “what can I do to help?” Women love that about him, and my other buddies and I wonder why he gets so many props when he sits there commiserating with a woman but we actually solve a problem.
I disagree wholeheartedly with the comment that women are better listeners. Some people are good listeners and some aren’t, it’s not a gender thing. Women might perceive other women to be better listeners if empathy is verbalized (or faked, like some of you are admitting. Too funny.)
I don’t know…Dad’s House…I think men are great listeners but I often find that with my girlfriend’s we could talk about something for hours - while the same conversation with my boyfriend would last for say - 20 minutes.
So, I guess it’s not that either sex is a better listener … but perhaps, women are better at really hashing out their feelings verbally?
I love everyone’s responses! And SO glad to hear from all of you men - especially the Philospher’s comments … very nice. You’re absolutely right. Actions speak volumes about one’s empathy and we ALL express our empathy differently.
I just can’t get behind this idea. I happen to be married to an empathetic man.
We women need to stop making judgements and accusations and recognize that simply because men don’t express empathy in ways that WE FEEL ENTITLED TO, it does not mean that they are lacking.
I am growing tired of the stereotypes offered by supposedly ‘enlightened’ women who insist that men do things our way - women who refuse to honor the qualities and expressions inherent in men.
Heads out of butts, ladies. Respect works both ways.
ill put this for you in thr best way I can…We men are raised to be in control of the situation nad for that reason we tend to grasp situations in a very cool analytic way, trying to leave feelings out so as not to let them influence the correct, proper and most direct solution to the problem at hand….
We can be empathic..sometimes, but not generally.
Housewife - okay…so, you’re one of the lucky ones! Congratulations. And I am far from enlightened - thank you. Hence this blog. We are all enlightening each other.
Ducker - you’re awesome!
The straight answer, from this divorced male, is that men (in societies like the U.S.) can’t muster empathy, but a gentleman can.
I think that the following generalization is probably a fair one: feminist ethics are empathic and relational; classic, paternalistic ethics are hyper-rational and abstract. To overstate it quite a bit, men ponder the right thing to do while women care to act.
We men are beastly, but a true gentleman—of any caste or pedigree—is a thing of great beauty. I saw one recently, a white-haired, Southern gentleman holding a tiny boy up to the drinking fountain in a department store, the man’s walking stick propped against the wall next to the water fountain. The child’s mother came looking for her son and, finding him so tended to, was embarassed and took out her embarassment on the boy as she ushered him away. The smiling, thankless old man simply collected his stick and strode off in silence.
The boy had been thirsty. The gentleman evidently knew what it’s like to be a thirsty little child who can’t reach the fountain. Empathy. Empathy and grace.
Reading this blog gave me the shivers and it made me feel plenty of empathy - but I must admit that my first thoughts went to Benjamin and his physical pain and not to you nor your powerlessness in the situation.
I think this is the difference in the way men feel empathy compared to women. Men’s empathy is more related to physical things whereas women are more concerned with the emotional aspects of a situation.
To me it’s not a matter of feeling empathy or not. It is rather a matter of us men doing it differently from women.
So let me finish off the way I see us men:
I hope Benjamin is okay!!
Heiredal - yes…that was MY first reaction - believe me. And just so everyone knows - this morning we took him straight to the hospital (his father and I) … and they decided to completely pull the tooth. So…he’s feeling much, much better now! Thank god!
Yowch - Little guy sounds like a brave one. Hope he’s feeling better.
I am going to agree with those who think that the reaction from men is to first solve the issue.
Having said that, yes, I believe that men can and do feel empathy. Perhaps the problem is also rooted in the expression of that empathy.
Interesting theory!
I think it is possible, but I am dating a single dad that has taken care of his 3 oldest children all by himself. I always tell him he’ll make me a great wife someday. I think he can truly empathize because he has had to be a mother and a father to his children since their mother is not in the picture. So I guess it just depends. I also think that having children makes you more empathetic also.
But, aside from all that…How is your baby? I hope he is okay and not in any pain!
I would have probably freaked if the same thing that happened to your little happened to mine! I hope he’s forgotten all about it now
I too have to agree that men tend to feel the need to solve a problem rather than just emphathise or just listen - drives me nuts sometimes when all I want to do is just rant and rave.
But at times, I do believe that we as women have the ability to keep our men in control
- teach them even, how to emphathise.
Paperspoons - he sounds like quite a catch - and yes, fathers are bound to have more empathy than childless men, just by the forces of nature alone!
Bavani - yes - some men are moldable - and so are relationships. Guess it’s just a long process of learning how you both communicate, what you want or need in regards to empathy.
On Benjamin: We had to just get the tooth pulled entirely - so he will have a toothless grin until his new tooth comes in when he’s 5 or 6. But - that capped tooth had been infected!!! The infection isn’t serious, but he’d probably been in pain for a while. So, now - granted his tooth is gone - he’s feeling MUCH better!
Hello MSM,
Do you mind if I comment? I’ll keep it short. lol…sorry
As an individual, you have strengths and weaknesses. These can be behaviourial or inherent.
When we search for a mate or partner, we should look for someone who compliments our own set of strengths and weaknesses. It is difficult to find someone who has the necessary complimentary strengths and weaknesses if we do not know what our own are first.
We must also understand the difference between what is inherent, the things that will not change, and those that are behaviourial, the things that we can change. The key element in the difference between empathy in men and women is focus. Men focus on the Object and women focus on the Emotion. This is inherent and will not change. We could alter the behaviour by ‘pretending’ or ‘acting’ to be a conforming empathiser, but do you want a partner who is real or faking it just to get approval? This difference should be seen as complimentary rather than indifferent to your needs. Many men could tell you about a situation where they did focus on the feelings of the one needing attention only to be told, ‘we don’t both need to be here, do something!’
If you reflect on the outcome rather than the situation, you will find that each of you played an important role. (If a lack of empathy has been displayed, then this is symptomatic of lacking self-respect.) As a situation escalates, these roles become more apparent. If the situation was life threatening, from a females point of view, would you rather an empathetic word or an empathetic action from your man? And then there is this thought. What man would want to be sick in bed without the empathic words from their partner?
I firmly believe men should try to broaden their empathy towards those they love as long as it is from within and not conformist. Only a fool will say that change cannot happen, but it does take time and patience. There are so many aspects to a fulfilling and happy relationship. Accepting empathy as it is given, rather than how you expect it, will go a long way towards your own development and that of your relationship.
Lastly but most important, how does Benjamin like the the new gap in his teeth? He will probably be feeling all grown up if this is his first lost tooth. He is lucky to have someone to care for his feelings and someone to pick him up and dust him off.
Tim
Perfect Tim! I loved this…
“If the situation was life threatening, from a females point of view, would you rather an empathetic word or an empathetic action from your man? And then there is this thought. What man would want to be sick in bed without the empathic words from their partner?”
As usual - you are absolutely right! And yes - I would want a man of action…I posed this question because I knew it would hit a chord and spark such an interesting discussion. Thanks for making it even better.
Benjamin is wonderful! Now that the old rotten tooth is out, he feels like a million bucks. As soon as I can get him to hold still I’ll post a picture.
This was such a great blog to read! After some serious frustration with my boyfriend’s lack of empathy - I was literally googling to see if I could learn “how to teach a man to be empathetic.” I quite often wonder if I just need to accept it as being just the way he’s “wired” as a man, or if that acceptance means I’m giving up on the idea that he could ever truly understand me and where I come from. I can’t say I have that answer - but at least I know I’m not alone! Thanks for the good read.
mssinglemama - could be your boyfriend who’s not the talkative one. Don’t assume all men quit at 20 minutes. I’ve had girlfriends where we talk for hours, and I’m an equal part of the conversation, listening and talking.
I do think women like to generate consensus more than men do, and maybe that takes hours of chatter..
Men can grunt for hours. Does that count for anything? (j/k)
Kernel - so glad it helped! It’s tough…this low male empathy thing.
And Dads House - not sure if it’s so much the conversation’s length - as what’s said. Quality, not quantity. You sound like a great guy though!
Men express empathy through action.
Women through words, which are often fake.
It’s a very ugly scene to see a bunch of women who barely know each others pretend they care about each others problems. “Oh nooooooo, you poor girl! Aaaaaw! Are you all right?”
To say men are bad listeners is not true. It depends. My girlfriend thinks she’s so good at listnening to me, yet when we filled a very detailled questionnaire for fun about “knowing your partner” in some random book, I knew a lot more about her than she knows about me, despite the fact that I talk a lot.
Unless of course you want active listeners. People who will react to everything you say, making gestures, facial expressions, sounds…anything that hints they’re following you. Truth is, those don’t mean anything.
I don’t need to have my eyes wide open, nod, grab your knees as if I was impatiently waiting for you to spit out your next sentence and say “go on” every ten seconds to listen to someone.
I can stare at nothing and listen to my girlfriend. Funnily enough, I’m always the first to remind her things she told me.
Girlfriend: “I wish we’d travel more. We don’t travel enough.”
Me: “Six weeks ago, that night where we watched that movie, before we fell asleep, you were talking about needing to concentrate on your business”
Girlfriend: “well, um…you remember that? I meant *starts backpedaling*”
This is the most narcissistic site I’ve found on WordPress. You go, girl! Keep going, deeper and deeper into your own movie, written and directed by and starring you-know-who!
It’s great!
Just read this post. Like always, it’s as if you took the words right out of my head.
Lack of empathy is a HUGE issue for me. Think I’m on the other ends of the spectrum since I’m a counselor, but still….I HATE the “I don’t know what to tell you,” b.s.
Besides, it’s good for business—eh, kelly007?—this narcissistic hall of mirrors? After all, are we not, taxonomically, Homo Sapiens Sapiens sapiens sapiens sapien$ sapien$ sapien$ sapien$ sapien$…
Kelly - please ignore him … hey Hugo, stop picking on my readers, okay? I’m your target - not them.
P.S. I think you’re slightly nutso. Just sayin’ … yes, this site is narcisstic, but it’s by default…the purpose of my blog is to help other single moms through sharing my own experiences.
Bullshit. Vanity, behold thyself.
Hey, he’s reading your blog and made the effort to comment right? Works for me. Narcissism and sharing your experiences so others can relate are two very different things. Someone who uses such inflated speech should understand that.
Why Heavens! Your Democrats, aren’t you. Save the psychodebilitating condescensions, kelly. You may very well belong on the other side of the fainting couch.
Love this blog!
My bf and I are in a tense situation right now, because of the “lack of empathy”. Afer sharing my feelings with him, he scoffed at them. I then told him he was being distant, he told me to sort my issues out.. I told that If I couldn’t share my feelings with him, it’s over between us.
Q: How how do I communicate my feelings in a way that will accommodate our physiological differences and make us both happy?
Lichi - is he good and true? Maybe you should find another way to share your feelings with him, maybe writing them down?
God, I don’t know .. .anyone can tell you - I’m more of an expert in dating than relationshiops but good luck!
Let me go out on limb. Empathy is a learned trait.
Now saying that, let me explain how I came to that belief. Growing up I didn’t see to much empathy in my life. Sympathy? Sure. Empathy? No.
Due to that, I didn’t show emotions too well. I had one sister who pretty much didn’t like being around us so I struggled to understand women and parents where way to emotional casual, to learn how to listen or show concern.
Then in high school I met a girl. I really liked her but she came back and wanted to just be friends. So my belief was that being friends would get her to like me. That didn’t work as I expected as much later we finally had an opportunity to kiss and it was like kissing my sister.
But, during this process I learned to listen and then I started showing concern for her and empathy for events in her life. But still no empathy towards me and my life.
Then it happened. I had moved on and was dating another girl and I was going through a very rough moment. But wasn’t trying to show it. She came up to me. Looked into my eyes and said, “Whats wrong, you look devastated.” No one has ever showed concern for me. I told her what was wrong and she said with her hand against my cheek, “It will be alright, we can do it together.”
This was a defining moment for me. I felt the full circle of empathy. And, I was hooked. Ever since then, I can see pain and joy in others eyes, in their facial expressions and through their actions. Some of my greatest happiness and sadness has been through the showing and receiving empathy by others. It’s very addictive. My kids have a better father because of it.
But as another wrote, some people don’t want their boyfriends or husbands to be too empathetic. They want their girlfriends and mothers to do that.
If women want us only to solve problems, then we become a tool for them and nothing more
The ideal situation is for husband/boyfriend to help solve problems and work together, and show the necessary affection and empathy for their girlfriend/spouse, while doing this with joy and true intent in their heart.
Lichi dear, might I take you home with me? Would that be OK with Teacher?
Very interesting post. I would be inclined to say that men do feel empathy, but express it differently. Women are by nature more verbal than men are, and “trained” to express feelings, and to value the expression of feelings. I think it’s fair to say that one possible difference between masculine/feminine reactions is that the masculine reaction is to do something constructive or useful.
Now, if we think about it, there’s some motivation for him to do that. A man who doesn’t care about someone’s problem won’t try to fix it; he’ll just sit there, or nod, or whatever. If he tries to find a solution, chances are he’s doing it because he feels something. He might not express it verbally, but he does feel.
I think sometimes it’s helpful for women to “coach” the men in their lives a little bit, and just tell them when they need to “feel felt” rather than being given a solution. It’s a level of vulnerability for a guy to do this, and I think it is unlikely to happen early in a relationship … it requires the man in your life admitting that he doesn’t have any control over what’s going on, and that’s hard to do.
Quite so, davidrochester, my good man! You’ve nailed us cads to a tee. And your thoughtful prescription is a positive boon: that we might better embrace the active importance of sheer empathy and, really, of just good company. Just so. Compliments.
So now, may I take Lichi home with me? Some things, as you know, are better left unsaid…